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  “Nyla, I’m a mess when you’re mad at me.” He didn’t let her put her things away first, he just dove into the reason he was there.

  “Me, too,” she sighed as she put her three kinds of ice cream away, hoping he didn’t notice. He did and raised his eyebrows.

  “Let’s not fight anymore. We’re going to be going home for three weeks soon, and we’ll be apart. I don’t want to be away from you when you are so upset.” He pulled her to him. She leaned into him, letting him be strong for her.

  “OK,” she said. If Ethan would give her another chance, she’d try to make things work. If Jamison was moving on, then she would stay where she was and move on with Ethan.

  “OK,” Ethan said, as he squeezed her to him. His hug felt desperate, as if he was clinging to her, trying to force something that should have been easy, something that should have fit. She wondered why it didn’t fit.

  Chapter 14

  The last week of school, Ethan came over early Friday before her final class. They had agreed to exchange gifts before they left for winter break. She had gotten him a soft, fluffy scarf in a sea green color she was sure would make his eyes sparkle. His gift to her was a CD of a band he liked that he had tried to get her to listen to. But even though she tried, she hadn’t enjoyed it. This CD was not going into her iTunes.

  Jamison offered a few times to take Nyla home for vacation. She told him she didn’t think it was a good idea. She wanted to have her own car at home. He offered to caravan with her. She thanked him but declined his offer. He planned to leave as soon as classes were over on Friday. She would leave after her final shift on Saturday. She was glad to be away from work for a few weeks. Angela had been a mess when Jamison broke up with her. She insisted on giving Nyla every detail too. Jamison took Angela to a fancy French restaurant. He’d let her enjoy the entire meal thinking everything was OK, and she had rambled about taking a ski vacation in Aspen over winter break. Finally, after she had ordered dessert, he told her that things weren’t working out as he had thought they would. It wasn’t her; it was him. He wasn’t ready for a relationship with her, and she deserved someone who would sweep her off her feet. She insisted to Nyla that he had swept her off her feet and admitted that she felt stupid for not seeing the signs. He wasn’t into her, especially as much as she was into him. As if Nyla’s brain wasn’t giving her enough grief, Angela’s voice was becoming like nails on a chalkboard, especially when she obsessed about Jamison.

  Nyla listened a lot to Taylor Swift on the way home, singing about white horses and fighting in the rain at two a.m. She knew how Taylor felt when she wrote those songs. The iPod shuffled to the John Mayer song that she and Jamison had listened to on their way home for Thanksgiving. That felt like a lifetime ago. She smiled, remembering how red his face had turned when he said she was sexy. What had changed? When did he change? She thought hard and couldn’t put her finger on it exactly. Suddenly a memory flashed before her eyes like she was watching a movie. She swerved a little on the road, but recovered. On graduation day, when her name was called to receive her diploma, she climbed the stairs and surveyed the crowd, smiling, so proud of herself and happy that it was over, her eyes fell on his. Before it registered who she was looking at, she gave him a genuine smile. He’d been frowning, slouched, with his arms across his chest, but suddenly his eyes softened. He tilted his head and didn’t take his eyes off her. She remembered thinking that if only things could have been different for them. They could have been friends. She returned to her seat. When his name was called, he scanned the crowd similarly, smiling to where his family sat. Then his eyes rested on Nyla. It was only for a second, but the expression was something she’d never seen in his eyes before. It gave her chills as she remembered falling to sleep that night, his face in front of her. She had felt insane the next morning for putting emotions behind a look that probably wasn’t there. But now, looking back, she wondered if it was a turning point for both of them.

  She arrived home to a house lit up like a Christmas tree. She grabbed her bags and went inside. Of course, no one was home. She took her things up to her bedroom and began to unpack. When she opened the drawer to her dresser, she found a small box and took it out. There was no note on it. It had silver wrapping and a tiny red bow on the top. It fit into the palm of her hand. She placed it on the center of her dresser and stared at it for a long moment. She left it there as she finished unpacking. Nadia stood silently in her doorway as she put her suitcases in her closet. When she came out, Nyla jumped, startled.

  “What’s this?” She walked over to the box and smiled at it.

  “I don’t know. It was in my drawer. You wouldn’t know anything about it, would you?” Nyla asked.

  “I might. Why haven’t you opened it yet?” She grinned at her into her mirror.

  “Who is it from?” Nyla crossed her arms over her chest.

  “I can’t tell. I’m sworn to secrecy.” Nadia held it out to her. Nyla had a sinking suspicion that it was from Jamison. This had him written all over it. She wondered what kind of game he was playing, telling her he was in love with her, but jumping the first girl came along.

  “Open it, Nyla.” She stretched her hand out to Nyla again, but she shook her head no.

  “I don’t want anything from him,” she groaned. Nadia looked at her in confusion.

  “Suit yourself.” She put it back down on the dresser.

  Jamison loved being home. He missed being spoiled by his mom’s cooking, and she did his laundry. He missed all of his friends. He didn’t realize how much. On Saturday, he met up with Wesley for lunch and Christmas shopping. Wesley spent more money on himself than on anyone on his list.

  “I love Christmas shopping.” Wesley swung his bags as they walked down the aisles of Greenwood Park Mall.

  “It’s called the season of giving for a reason,” Jamison smirked. He had one person left to shop for but wasn’t sure what to get yet.

  “So, no Nyla Anderson this visit?” Wesley asked, sliding his beanie sock hat with the rim sideways and walking with a “pimp limp,” half-mocking the kids they just passed.

  “No Nyla, and here I thought you were my friend,” Jamison said.

  “What’s going on with the two of you, anyway?” Wesley asked, only half caring. He stopped at a kiosk in the middle of the mall to look at some cologne.

  “Nothing’s going on. She has a boyfriend. I told you that at Thanksgiving.” Jamison leaned his back against the glass and watched the families walk past them.

  “Still? I thought you would have gotten rid of him by now. I saw how you were looking at her.” Wesley motioned for the girl at the fragrance counter to come over. She was cute; he winked at her as he asked to see one of the fragrances. She giggled when she pulled it out.

  “That’s not me anymore. I’m trying to be a better person,” Jamison stated as he watched Wesley flirt.

  “What was so wrong with you before? I liked you the way you were. You were a lot of fun.” Wesley took out his wallet to pay for his cologne.

  “I just wanted to grow up, I guess,” Jamison shrugged.

  “Well, don’t grow up too much. Then we won’t have anything in common, and we’ll never hang out anymore,” Wesley stated.

  On Christmas Eve, Nyla lay across her bed. She had just hung up with Ethan. She stared at her ceiling, wondering what she was doing with him. She contemplated breaking up with him. Maybe she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with anyone. There was a knock at her door.

  “Come in,” she said, knowing it was her mother.

  “Honey, come on down; we want to open our Christmas Eve gifts.” It seemed that the past few months had aged her mom dramatically. Maybe it was just because she hadn’t seen her, but she missed her mom more than she had realized. She even missed Nadia. She found that one hard to digest. She got up and put on her sweater. She descended the stairs to find her mother, Nadia, and her boyfriend Lane sitting on the couch. Nyla sat in the armchair as her mother gave each of them
a gift. Since she was a little girl, her parents had bought the girls Christmas pajamas. Then when her father passed away, her mother continued the tradition. She was grateful to her mother she felt as if her father were still a part of their lives. Her mom even had a box for Lane. They all opened their boxes and compared their PJs. Hers were Christmas plaid and a white, soft cotton cami tank from Victoria’s Secret. Nadia’s were pink sweatpants that said PINK in green letters across the butt and a green tank top, also from Victoria’s secret. Lane’s were a green plaid flannel pants and a graphic T-shirt. They were all cute. She thanked her mother and then went back up to her room. She changed into her new pajamas, and she took the box off her dresser. She sat it on the bed and sat in the middle of her bed Indian style. She slowly, delicately pulled the red ribbon. Then she unwrapped the silver paper. It was a square box. She lifted the lid, and found a gold locket. She lifted it up and turned it over. On the back it said, “To Nyla All My Love, Ethan.”

  “All my love?” she asked out loud. She suddenly wondered if the CD was just to throw her off for this gift, the real gift. She put the locket back into the box and sat it beside her bed. She crawled under her sheets and wished she’d given Santa her real wishlist.

  Chapter 15

  Every year since tenth grade, Dex Henderson had thrown a New Year’s Eve party and invited everyone in their class. Everyone usually made an appearance even if they didn’t stay until midnight. This year seemed like a reunion, and it was a black tie affair. Everyone who was in town said they were making an appearance, with one exception. Jamison had not rsvp’d either way. Dex was supposed to text Nyla when he heard from Jamison. He hadn’t texted yet. She stood in front of her mirror. It was cold out, but she still wore a strapless, golden, empire waist dress that hit the middle of her thigh. She wore the necklace that Ethan had given her; it looked really pretty. She wore matching gold heels. Her hair was braided in a dozen tiny braids that converged at the base of her neck in a loose messy bun. She was applying her lip gloss as Emma came in. She looked adorable in her black spaghetti-strapped cocktail dress.

  “HAWT!” Emma squealed as she surveyed Nyla.

  “It’s not too much, is it?” she asked.

  “No, it’s perfect. Now we have to go or we’re going to be late.” She grabbed her hand and dragged her out the door.

  “By the way, this is not how Jamison held my hand,” Nyla giggled.

  “Yeah, you and I aren’t that kind of friends,” Emma teased.

  Dex had a DJ, and the party was kicking. He lived in the country, which wasn’t really abnormal in their small town, but he had this beautiful backyard. His parents hosted lots of parties, so they were used to entertaining year-round. And even though there was snow on the ground, it was an outdoor party. There were so many heated lamps around their backyard, it was hot. The snow had melted in his backyard days ago, so the ground was dry. Everyone walked around free of the muddy muck that was everywhere else. No one wore coats either. Nyla enjoyed catching up with old classmates. Everyone went on and on about how good she looked, but blushing, she tried to keep the conversation on school and studies. Wesley approached her as she stood talking with Macy.

  “Want to dance, Anderson?” Macy rolled her eyes to Nyla. She shrugged to him. He led her to the dance floor. They moved to the rhythm of the beat, but she found that she didn’t have much to say to him.

  “When are you going back to school?” he asked.

  “School starts the eighth, so probably the day before,” she smiled politely.

  “Maybe we can hang before you have to go back,” he suggested with a shrug.

  “Um,” she said, but before she could answer, Jamison was there, tapping on his shoulder. Wesley looked at him as if he’d been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing. The three of them stood on the dance floor, not moving as everyone around them danced.

  “Your dance, man.” Wesley held up his hands and backed up, disappearing in the crowd. Jamison took Nyla’s hand and put his arm around her waist. They began to rock back and forth to the music as a slow song began. She looked over to the side and saw Dex and Emma watching them, whispering in each other’s ears. Her face felt hot.

  “Thanks,” Nyla whispered.

  “No problem. He’s my friend, but he’s a jack-bag,” Jamison smiled. Wesley had already moved on to his next victim. Jamison and Nyla danced another song in silence. Finally Nyla excused herself and went off to the far end of the yard. She wanted to be alone. She sat down on a bench and looked up at the stars through the wooded country side. She sat there for a while, watching the sky and listening to the party in the distance.

  “I’m sorry,” Jamison said as he sat down beside her.

  “For what?” she asked.

  “For driving you to this corner.” He looked at her sadly.

  “You didn’t drive me to this corner; I usually end up here at some point during this party every year because it’s so beautiful out here. She looked up at the sky again, smiling at all the stars she had missed in the city.

  “Is that new?” He reached out and fingered her locket. He turned it over in his hand.

  “Yes. It was a Christmas present.” Her heart jumpstarted as his fingers grazed her skin. He leaned in closer to read the inscription. Her heart stopped as he looked up at her. He dropped it against her chest.

  “All his love?” he asked.

  “It’s just an expression.” She waved it off nervously.

  “Does he have all of your love?” he asked, his eyes accusing her. She didn’t answer him.

  “Don’t do this,” she finally said, shaking her head.

  “Don’t do what? Have a conversation with you?” His voice began to rise.

  “I don’t want to argue with you; it’s New Year’s,” she whispered, her eyes pleading.

  “Can you just answer my question?” He looked down at the ground.

  “No.” He looked at her, the hurt clear on his face. Then she realized her mistake, and explained, “No, no, Jamison. I was answering your question.” She paused and cleared her throat. “No, he doesn’t have my heart.” She looked at her hands.

  “Good,” he said. They sat there silently a few more minutes. Then she stood.

  “I’ve got to get back. I’m sure Dex and Emma are looking for me.” She backed away from him. He stood too. He nodded and she turned, returning to the party. He stayed there for a while and watched her. He watched the party. He heard the DJ say the countdown would begin in thirty seconds. He made his way through the party and found his friends again. This was the longest he’d stayed at Dex’s party. In high school, he and his friends had always gone somewhere else. His friends usually drank, and Dex was about the party, but not the liquor. This party was more fun than he remembered though. Maybe he should have given it a shot in high school, he thought. The DJ stopped playing the music, and the countdown began. Everyone coupled up. Nyla stood with Dex and Emma. Jamison tried to maneuver himself closer to her.

  “Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Everyone cheered. Dex kissed Emma. Then they both kissed Nyla on the cheek. Everyone hugged each other. Nyla was hugging people she hadn’t spoken to all night. Then suddenly she was standing chest to chest with Jamison. People were cheering and laughing around them, but she didn’t hear them.

  “Happy New Year.” He leaned over and whispered in her ear as he smoothed loose strands of hair from her face. He kissed her cheek. She was relieved that he didn’t kiss her in front of everyone. She wasn’t ready to explain that to Dex or Emma, but then a part of her wanted to feel his lips on hers again.

  “Happy New Year, Jamison.” He then was pulled away by someone and she was pulled back by Emma.

  “What was that about?” Emma asked.

  “What?” She played innocent.

  “You, Jamison, dancing, then sitting off in the corner together; then just now? We’ve been watching you all night.” Dex nodded his head beside Emma. Ny
la looked across the yard to where Jamison now stood engrossed in conversation with a group of people.

  “He’s different now,” she said, smiling as she watched him. Dex rolled his eyes, but Emma smiled too.

  Chapter 16

  “Nyla, please stay a few more days, honey. I’m not going to see you until spring break.” Her mother’s eyebrows furrowed as she surveyed Nyla’s body language. “I’m not going to see you spring break, am I?” Nyla felt bad. She didn’t want to go back to Chicago so soon, but she couldn’t stay home any longer. The walls felt like they were closing in on her. She also wanted to put some distance between herself and Jamison, even if it was only for a few days.

  “Mom, I need to get ready for next semester.” She zipped up her final suitcase. She was taking back all the new clothes she’d bought with her gift cards and Christmas presents, swapping out the few summer clothes she had taken before school started to make sure she had room for all of her winter clothes.

  “Well, take these. I don’t know how long they will last you, but here.” She handed her a round tin with a cherry-nosed Santa on it. Nyla opened it as a goofy grin spread across her face.

  “Your chunky chocolate chip cookies? Mom, I thought you didn’t make these this year.” She took one out and took a bite, closing her eyes to keep them from crossing in her ecstasy.

  “Well, when you told me last night that you were leaving this morning, I made them after you went to bed.” She picked up two suitcases and led Nyla down the stairs.

  She hugged her mom and her sister goodbye. She was on her way again. She made excellent time, and as she approached the exit to the diner, she decided to go ahead and stop for lunch. As she came through the front door, the waitress recognized her and smiled warmly.

  “Table for two?” she asked looking out toward the parking lot.

  “No, just one,” Nyla said.